Sigh

This gratitude thing has gotten difficult.

It's easy to think of people who have influenced my life, there's about a million. But it's very difficult to express this in such a way that people understand that these people are special to me. It's hard to not repeat myself. It's hard because the whole point is for anyone reading this to get the idea that these people actually are significant. Words just aren't enough.

So that's why i haven't done it in a few days. But I'm just gonna man up and start again.

A Christmas Carol

I've seen this about a hundred times. I watched it last night. And it was a really (insert less gay term here) tender experience. There was just some brilliant principles exhibited. I couldn't help but compare my life, especially at this time of season.

Charity. There's a specific part where the employee is sitting at dinner and he makes a toast to Scrooge. His wife gets angry. Scrooge after all has never done anything to merit any sort of gracious consideration. Yet, he means the words he says, with a full heart for the meager material possessions he had. Charity is not about what happens to us, how people treat us, or in what circumstances we find us. Charity is not just for the blessed, protected, rich, healthy, or happy in heart. In fact, Bob Cratchit's charity is all the more meaningful, deep and personal, because of his station. Yeah, i know it's just a story. But why not have more stories or movies or anything... with impressions like that. And ya know what... i believe in some form Cratchit's story has been told in real life. Ya see, to me, Scrooge's transformation was important and inspiring... but it's secondary. Scrooge ultimately becomes like Cratchit. Yes for forgiveness and change, yes for repentance. But Christmas is far more about love.

Do i get it? the whole thing... the whole reason for the season and how it should guide my life? And beyond Christmas... what am i doing in my everyday life if i'm not guided by love?

Ultimately, it's all about love. That's all that's important. Everything else comes when you love people.

I love love.

"Saying thank you is more than good manners. It is good spirituality."

The switch up:

I was having one of the hardest weeks of my mission. I had been praying hard, working hard, and having hardly any success. The melancholy was deep and i was pretty lost. I kept on trucking, but my head was barely up. Sunday came and after sacrament i was making my rounds, talking to a bunch of different families. I sat on a bench and smiled at little 2 year old Lucy. She always made me smile. Her mom reach for her, but she ignored her hands and climbed up on the bench herself. She looked at me and then walk over on the pews to where i sat.

She hugged me... and i swear i almost cried right there. For a good long minute, she just hugged me and suddenly everything didn't seem so bad. It was an incredible experience.

I was feeling pretty lonely and sometimes there's just not much you can do. I was reading my Grandpa's biography, well near autobiography i suppose. I read story after story of the amazing things he used to do, from the mission, the war, to wooing my grandma, to all the other incredible events of his life. This time i did shed a few tears. I felt inspired and i felt hope. And the loneliness went away. It was ironic that in those moments i missed my grandpa so much more but his example gave me strength, his love of life gave me direction.

I was 18, just graduated high school and i was making my rounds to say good bye to everyone. I was leaving for the summer before i went on my mission. It was the morning i was leaving and i made it through everyone besides my brother, his wife, and three kids. I had babysat these kids near every day for a year and spent loads of free time there besides. I'm not very good with goodbyes as it is. I made it through, touching and sad, and got out to the car. Right as i got to my door, my eldest nephew Zaymes came running out. In his most sweet, innocent, and slightly broken words yell "I'yl miss yew Cobin". That touched my heart.

My first area on my mission, on my second day there, we met our neighbor. He was smoking a cigarette out on his back porch. He was in his 70's and told us that he hadn't smoked for years, but that his wife had just passed away about a month ago and he was just so sad. That first day of talking, he said he wouldn't come for a while, but eventually he would come to church with us. We continued to see him the next few weeks. We mostly watched church videos with him because he had the thick coke-bottom glasses. He called us "his boys" and gave us big hugs every time he saw us. He told us that while he was in World War II he was stationed with a bunch of guys from Utah. While with them, he read the Book of Mormon three times, which was why he wanted to come to church. He got more and more depressed, but visibly brightened when we came around. Having lost my grandpa three years previous, this guy was pretty special to me. Christmas that year was on a Sunday and Clifford was set to come. He came out in a scally cap, an embroidered, double pocketed button up shirt, and an old school tweed jacket. He had a great experience at Church.

I found out I was being transferred on Wednesday. Tuesday I went and said bye. Friday he passed away. Clifford's love and acceptance, his life's story was a huge blessing to me.

Be Grateful

I feel like i'm a smart cat, got some good pointers, can tell you all about all sorts of things. The point is I've learned some lessons and I like to share them. I remember when i was 16, we'd sit in the hot tub and I'd give him all sorts of advice. I told him all about how to treat girls (ya know, how to get them, how to keep them, awesome stories about how the ladies love me...yeah... i know...), how to make a difference in peoples lives, and doing generally good stuff. He listened. And he learned some stuff from me, though i'm proud that he only took the good stuff.

Over the next few years, he became one of my best friends. We talked about everything, especially the stuff that dudes don't normally talk about; feelings, hurts, fears, hopes, and dreams. Man, he's always made me laugh. We used to do the stupidest stuff together, stuff we thought was hilarious. Me, him, and another buddy got these hats that had a card holder on the front of them. So naturally, we made our own little sayings on note cards and slid them in there. Naturally when then got cut off flannel pearl snap button shirts to match the color of hats we bought. And yes we thought it was hilarious. We just spent out time creating memories together, things that were ri

diculous and things we could be proud of.

Together, we made a big effort to include as many people in as many things as we could.
While we thought of ourselves as pretty cool cats, it was far more important to us that people were taken care of. People needed friends, good influences, and i'll always admire that he did so much for so many people around him for them to feel included, to have a place to go, and to learn some valuable lessons while still having fun.

Church, he made it cool to go and be active. He was never embarrassed about his testimony or for standing up for what's right, because according to him, you were a loser if you did anything else. I suppose it says something for him, that i thought i was so great and mature, but at two years younger, i felt we were equals. I know i know, that's pretty pretentious of me, but i was a teen, and the point is that it's a huge compliment from 18 year old me.

He's the type who made time, if he hadn't already scheduled his schedule around yours. For all his doing his duty, this is a kid who didn't let things get him down. I'm prone to bouts of melancholy, but he always stayed up, kept his worries from effecting the way he treated other people.

Doesn't matter what happens, som

etimes you just will always stay friends with someone... or even closer as brothers.

She was a little neurotic. Well, mostly all neurotic, but I know what was behind all that. I came into her life at a weird time, but i instantly recognized an opportunity for a place in her life. I watched her struggle, but you have to understand how much effort and diligence she put into over coming these obstacles. I've never seen someone try so hard to do what is right. Shewas incredible, focused and straight on. I couldn't believe how much her love showed through dedication.

I used to do things to try and lighten her up, make her load a little easier. I put her coat on one time when she went to the bathroom and then pranced around a bit. She wasn't that impressed but, over time, things like this (well, probably my actual serious efforts) brought some sort of mutual respect.

Time passed, we parted ways. I saw her some few months later and had a good laugh at her expense. She took it with good humor and i was surprised how endearing our conversation was. We had a few similar encounters and then set up a time to actually sit down and talk about life.

What i had missed when we first met, under all that neurosis, was a woman who was truly happy because she lived the gospel. Our ideas of fun were different (still are quite opposing), but she had a unique love for life and prioritized people and God into her life with a lovely harmony. Within that first sit down talk, i really realized that this was a very special person and someone who could make life easier on me.

Since, we've had many such talks where we discuss life, events, adventures, spirits, and heart breaks. I've gained a lot from her insights, her quiet patience, her persistence in doing what's right, and her over all empathy. She's safe yet insightful. She has the ability to talk and listen... a combo that's not always prevalent.

Motivated, hard working, spiritual, empathetic, and about as good a friend as you'd ever want. She knows who she is and where she is going. She doesn't give into temptation, she doesn't ignore promptings. She takes every opportunity to be a part of good things.

I am very surprised at this friendship but I can truly say she's one of my closest and most respected friend. Would have never of guessed it, but i'm very grateful for what the Lord has given me.

It feels good to be grateful

I was 13 and trying to get better at soccer. I had a goal set up in my backyard and at night i'd go for an hour or two and shoot goals.

I was 13 and having (what a 13 year old would constitute as) girl problems. I didn't have a clue what was going on.

He was a few years older. He played goalie and listened. That was a big deal and he pretty much solved my problems.

He did that quite often, made a few minutes where he could sit and listen to me, offer solutions, sometimes help carry them out. I can't ever think of single time that i've been able to help me out with anything. Sadly... I feel like that is still kind of the case, years later. Yet he always is there to offer whatever he can.

It wasn't easy for him growing up, he had way more trials and complications then i ever would. The odds were stacked, yet i watched him over come, do his duty, be responsible, and turn into a man worth really respecting.

He was just always there, doing all the things first before any of us had quit complaining. And he would always do it better then we could. He was accountable and dependable. His selfless service, his hard work, has been something i've always tried to reach after.

He's never had the help either, never the support, but he's always found a way. This is a man who learns his lessons well. He faces the truth as it is and moves forward. He's done things that i don't know if i'd ever be man enough to do.

Some people adopt themselves into the family because you love them like you never could love anyone besides family. Some people have a gift for helping and serving, ya know, the 'show up' people. I'd do anything i could for this guy (even though there's not much i can) and he's shown that there's so much help he can offer.

I'll always look up to this guy and never forget what he's offered so willingly.

Of sweetness, she's always had one of the most tender hearts. I was some few years younger, but she never let my annoying habits or moronic remarks affect her kind and gentle treatment of me. She always had kind words for me and treated me like a lovable younger brother. She was the most loyal of friends to my sister.

She was so empathetic, the perfect person to complain to. And then i watched her strength come out and she made some choices that would change her life forever. She trail blazed, which if you know her, isn't her comfort zone at all. But she, with no family support, changed her life in a big way. And she's stuck to it and it's made all the difference. Married now and with kids, she's an awesome mother and wife. I've always thought she'd make the consummate mother. It seems like she was designed specifically for it. Her whole nature has always been geared towards nurturing and guiding, caring and loving.

I love this woman because she is so easy to love. She never offends, never makes contention, never has an unkind word. I've seen her when she is wronged and i've watched as she's struggled to explain the situation... and even at her most outrageously angry, she couldn't slander her offender. I love how big her heart is and how she just wants to make people happy, even if she has to sacrifice. And i know she does, i know she has to swallow her wants all the time because of what other people want. I admire her fortitude for sticking to those great qualities. i admire the way she lives her life, loves her family, and continues to live the gospel that is newer to her.

She's got a light to her that's very pure. She really is one of the most naturally pure people i have ever met. I admire and envy her for that and am grateful so much for the sweetness that she has always been.

Continuing the Trend

I remember sitting at his baptism and thinking 'man, i blew it'. The opportunity to be a friend, help teach, be supportive, bear testimony, or anything... for someone who is joining the church, is priceless when you are a teenager. President Hinckley's counsel came to mind and I promised myself and the Lord i could be there as a friend.

As opportunity had it, immediately in the next few days following his baptism, he experienced some trials that I had much experience in over coming. It seemed as if out of all the people who he knew, i was the best equipped to help him through time where he was at a considerable crossroad.

Friendship grew to a sincere and deep closeness. I watched him overcome all sorts of articles. I've rarely had such a loyal friend. There was a time where i was pretty sure the entire world was against me. I was sitting on a dock by myself in a bit of a drizzle, feeling sorry for myself. I had stopped there because i was tired of walking home. I called him to come get me. He pulled up and yelled out his window that I was an idiot. I laughed. He came and stood behind me for a minute and we both kind of just got lost in thought staring at the scenery. Flippantly, i told him to jump in. He laughed and called me retarded. I told him i'd do it if he'd do it. I think he called me gay this time and walked off. I laughed to myself again and gathered my thoughts for another minute. I heard running behind me and then he jumped over my head in the water. It was the end of April. I jumped in too. We drove to my house and jumped in the hot tub.

What's the significance? Well, to pretty much everyone, it doesn't mean a thing. But to me... it kind of meant the world. I was always a hard person to show loyalty too... i have a great family that i rely on for much of everything i need, besides my own talents and testimony. I've had a super easy life. So, i never gave much opportunity for friends to show their friendship. I don't know what it was about that moment, but i felt like that one action symbolized his willingness to stick with me no matter what. Ya know, the whole take a bullet for you buddy sort of a thing.

i watched him do all that church stuff with no support besides a few friends. He found a real testimony himself and chose to live it. The time came and he served a mission. And I know he served it with an intense dedication.

This is someone who will always bring me happiness. I know if i'm ever struggling he's there for whatever support he can give. He shares my triumphs and accepts my strengths and weaknesses in his own life. He's example of what spiritual strength is in the face of great odds.

This is a best friend for life.

I have favorites in my life. People who just take the cake, who are the top of the category. She has been someone who i've been able to relate to on almost every level. I've never felt more funny, more alive. She had a way of turning every moment into a memory. If I ever felt uninteresting, i simply needed to spend some time with her and she made me feel interesting.

I swear I could listen to her talk, tell stories, sing, impersonate, explain, complain, or any other form of communication for unhealthy periods of times. She's a captivating individual. It seems everything she does is about enriching her life, getting the most out of every experience. Even when the bad happens, she spins it into a building character and creating a new outlook or perspective.

She told me the hard truths, but was a huge fan too. As i struggled to understand things in my life, she'd stop me when i wasn't being fully honest with myself. She was ever interested to hear how I was doing, gaining even from my experience.

I loved watching her love; whether it was people, her passions, or instances of adventure, she had a great big heart. She never lacked in love and showing it, she was always able to express it to me (and others i know) in a way that i perfectly understood that she cared.

She's made many hard decision, following the Spirit, trudging through adversity. I admire that courage, that strength of will. I like to take things from her life, use them in my own. I like to see what she's doing and vicariously live through some of her moments. Most of all, i'm grateful for the time she spent in my life at exactly the point i need her specifically. I just needed a friend, someone to connect to, even when for some days straight we just caught up on movies and tv shows. I'm grateful for the smiles and laughs, as she's always had the ability to magically create the glee.

The Lord chose her and i'll be ever grateful she responded. I'm so proud of her decisions and the person she is.

Christmas Gratitude

I want to do two people a day, male and female, and i feel great about that. Meaning I think the Lord likes this idea of me expressing gratitude in abundance.

I've spent a lot of time around this man in a bunch of different capacities. I've been friends with his son all growing up and so i spent a lot of time in his home. The level of loving involvement in his children's lives has always been inspiring. He has always had a demanding career but it was always secondary to his children in their progression in all forms.

If this man doesn't know how to help you, he will learn what he needs to do in order to be of service. I used to ask him how i would get better at certain things that i thought might be within his expertise (now i know my question were pretty outlandish) and he would research and spend the necessary time to teach me how to better myself.

During my youth, there was a pretty consequential period of time when i was under his spiritual tutelage. He just got it. He knew how to help all us boys stay active, involved, and learning the important lessons in life. S

uch as with service; he'd be right there with us... more then with us, ahead of us, jumping in before we even had a chance to complain. When i think of the amount of money he spent on us boys, it k

ind of blows my mind. Without flinching. At the time, i just kind of thought of it as awesome, ya know, him having a lot of money, no big deal. But that wasn't his calling. That wasn't even close to his responsibility.

As i've grown older, my relationship with this man has matured and grown. He shares and lets you share with him. He still has many young adults at his place all the time and he cares for them far beyond responsibility or his peers or any reason other then love. Whether he's buying food specifically for the people he knows will be there or, as is the case one morning, waking up a few of us with breakfast burritos and making sure none of us would be late for work.

Maybe these things

seem small, but sometimes you just understand how people show love, and this is how he d

oes it. He has given me such a great perspective on what's really important, showing me another way in which i can serve and make a difference in peoples lives. To this day, my friends and I can't help but commenting on how he's one of our all time favorite people whenever his name comes up.

Every so often, the Lord will bring people into my life that i know I could specifically aid them with love and caring born of the Gospel and a good home. When I was younger, I met a lot of teens who were in desperate need of that influence. It was a great blessing to me to be able to be a blessing to other peoples lives. I met a girl who was about a sweet of an individual as i've ever had the pleasure of meeting, both in spirit and demeanor. She was innocent and tender, bright and happy. There was a burden there, but she didn't let it effect how she treated her people from day to day.

I got to know her, knowing she needed something, being drawn to that. She was not a member of the church but she felt like it. I found out soon after becoming acquainted that her mother had ovarian cancer and had been battling it for six years. Then, she had a pretty serious surgery herself. I watched as so many people came to visit her and show their love and support. I watched as things got worse for her mom and how she never let it effect how she treated people.

i had many talks with this girl as we grew up, many deep and personal and even exploratory. I watched as gospel principles lit up her life. I watched her grow and surpass me in a lot of areas.

Do you need something? she'll help however she can. Are you sad or lonely? she was always there.

Perpetually happy. Not easily offended. Quick to forgiveness. Characteristically selfless. Generous. Loving.

It wasn't until years later that i realized how much I learned from her when i thought i had done all the teaching. It was a bit of a revelation to realize how much she had shaped my life. I suddenly became very grateful for the humble girl who gave me the opportunity to share my testimony. She was and is an amazing individual. She's making so much of her life and i'm so proud of who she has become. When it's all said and done, I think i'm probably more enriched for our friendship then she ever was.

Special Edition part 2

I'm going to do a pitiful job of this one. But i hope that anyone who reads this has the necessary experience to fill in where i ultimately fall short.

Grandma Earl.

The thought seriously just occurred to me that i could end the blog there and most everyone would understand the what and why and how.

Grandma is someone who gets it, who knows what all this Plan business is about. Her life revolves around meeting the needs of others. I feel like often she must be so over extended to have her hand in so much love and service.

Grandma tells me she loves me, but she could never say the words and i would no without a doubt. I think of how incredible a man my grandpa Earl was and i know that in large part, he got to where he was because of my grandma.

If you ever need a fan, you've got it. Grandma has been my biggest fan for as long as i have existed. She's so supportive in everything i've ever wanted to do. It was my favorite thing to be able to hear grandma from the sidelines at a football or soccer game, especially because i'm pretty sure she doesn't care much for the latter.

Grandma has taught me that there is no holding capacity to love; your heart can always fit more. And her heart does. The toughest part is that you can never love grandma as much as she loves you.

I think out of anyone, my lovely parents included, it would be hardest to disappoint Grandma. I've never had a better example of what the Gospel can truly do for someone in making them such a heavenly person. On the path to perfection, Grandma is paving the way.

I will always have a profound love and respect for both my Grandparents and I'm not sure what i did to be blessed into their great lineage.

This is a special one

Continuing my theme of people who have changed my life, i'm gonna start this post by changing things up. This person has been on my mind for a long time and i've never know how to express to him what a wonderful person he is. So this one will be just to him.

Ever since I can remember, i've felt completely comfortable around him. All smiles and kindness. When I was younger and pretty much completely worthless, he used to find work for me to do, work that he really didn't need done, and then pay me much more than i was worth. Even when i've done stupid things, he's never had an angry word for me.

There's so much charity in him, sometimes it touches me enough that i don't have any words to describe it. The way he does his job... he gives so much in service and help. I've seen personally myself so many instances of him giving to help others and i've heard many other stories that i believe to be absolutely true. What's his is honestly yours and it's completely sincere.

I broke something of his once and i immediately felt horrible. I walked up to the house and asked if he had some duct tape so i could try and fix it. He told me to throw it away, he'd buy a new one, that's how he stimulated the economy. I'm pretty sure a big part was he didn't want me to feel bad.

Ha, it's such little things. he was pulling into his drive way once when i was messing around in the neighbors yard. He rolled down the window, chatted for a minute, and then reached over and handed me some of his lunch.

He just wants to take care of people. And he does. This is a man who understands that the gospel is about charity and showing that love. And i wish that i could express to him how much he's impacted my life in helping me to see how it works in everyday life. One day i'll figure out how to approach him, one day i'll find the right words, in the right setting, said exactly in the right manner.... and then he'll know that I'll always respect the man he is. It's such a blessing to have him in my life.

Gift or Burden?

I feel like i read people well. I'm pretty perceptive to body language and other communicative clues. And sometimes, i just get what's going, i just do. I don't have to be told, i can just see it. And most times, it's such a great asset to my life. It helps me connect with people, understand, and empathize.

I changed my mind. I was gonna write about knowing how someone else feels, but that's not that important to me. Here's what i've wanted to do for a while and i'm gonna do it now. I'd really just like to spotlight some people and just let them know how i feel. I'll prolly just do one or two every post. Some you'll guess, some you won't. It doesn't matter either way.

These pictures have relevance to my memories of these two people.

I was talking with an undisclosed person and we were remembering some pretty awesome times with a person quite dear to us. we were remembering when we were younger how this person made a big effort to come out and spend time with us youngsters. We must have been between 10 and 14 at the time. This person came and really spent some quality time (yet for him I'm sure annoying) with us. It stuck with me, because he made an effort to care when he really didn't have to, when nobody would have noticed either way.

A few years later, I was in his part and it was the same treatment for an older boy. He took me to a game, showed me his work and other cool parts of his life. He asked about my rather insignificant life and listened intently. There's not an aspect of his life that he isn't exemplary in.

As an a

dult, unmarried, i get asked often if i'm A) dating anyone B) gay. Both answers are no. Some people are better at asking the first one. I know people who have recently gotten married, fight all the time, and i would never ever have married their wife... yet, they turn up their noses and ask why i'm not married. This man never does anything close to the sort. He asks if i'm dating anyone, but it feels like it's out of support and genuine interest in my happiness.

Anyway. That's off the top of my head and i'm sure i'll think of better details later. The fact is... i'm a better person for knowing him and i appreciate everything he's done for me, others, and simply everything he is about. Thanks.

This second one, is both more difficult and so much easier still.

When someone walks into the room and people try their best to respect her, you have to know she's special. Reprove betimes with sharpness and then follow up with love ya know? well, she's the type who doesn't have to use sharpness. I suppose if you are sweet enough, people just want to take care and protect you. I certainly felt that way and it certainly seemed true for many i saw around.

She listened and remembered, sympathized and cared for. She did all the right things to let you know that she was a friend you could completely count on... because she wanted to be counted on. She was that person in everyones life that you just looked up to, that you wanted them to think highly of you. She just sometimes felt like a Celebrity. I found myself many times telling stories and realizing i had no point but to have her listen. And she encouraged it, added to or acknowledged where she could. She's the type of woman who will be a fantastic mother, who's natural inclination is to love and selflessly act. I'm envious of her future husband who will receive a bright mind, a deeply entwined testimony, and mature, independent attitude. She gave me a wonderful example of what a woman can be. And don't get me wrong, i've grown up with some of the best, but to see one my age gives me a type of what to look for and the hope and resolve to continue my own personal search. I am ever blessed to have had such a woman in my life. I hold dear many of the things she's shared with me and will always respect her for how she has handled (yes i used handle on purpose) me.

God gives us gifts. One has gradually shaped me in small ones through small interactions spaced over many years. The other I have more recently come to know and at this juncture in my life, has proven to be a substantial force in the shaping of my life.

And maybe i should be telling these people these things to their face and perhaps still i will, but i want anyone who reads this (all four of you), that my life is enriched by my interactions with these two individuals.

How the story goes...

The recent trend:

Scenario:

Girl enters, attractive, but not really the type I'm usually attracted to. She flirts well, talks fine enough, average in intelligence, but nothing i find myself too drawn to. Truthfully, I would guess it has to to with the Spirit she puts off.

She's interested. Very easily, without me having to put much effort into it. She wants to spend time with me, finds the time if she doesn't have it, and generally puts forth an effort to be apart of my life. Interestingly enough, the passion isn't there for me from the start and therefore things never get off the ground. She can't really figure out why it's going the way it is. I can't really explain to her other then to say it just isn't there for me.

Scenario Dos:

I meet this gal from a friend of a friend. She's beautiful, not what I normally would be attracted to, but i find myself inexplicably drawn to her. She's mature, composed, articulate, and all around pleasant. I feel like i know who she is, I feel like I can feel it from her. I don't have to see her go to church or read her scriptures to know what she's about. I want to be a better person because of her...

... and of course i make a great friend to her. But it's just not there for her. Whether she's not attracted to me or it doesn't click for her, either way, it makes no difference. She doesn't feel it.

How bout that?

I don't resent these girls for their lack of feelings.

I'm just flabbergasted. I'm tired of looking. I don't want to hang out, take out, or make out with girls that don't mean anything (yes make out. though i do sometimes). I don't want to share with or care for girls who aren't lasting.

And, it's hard to keep investing, only to let go. It's hard to let go and not settle for a while for girls i'm not serious about. Then try getting serious again. It's hard.

But... well... that's what you do. That's how the story goes. And it'll go that way until I find the right one. I suppose that's my pattern at least. I suppose other people meet lots of right people and they go so far but it doesn't quite work out. Either way it doesn't matter, one day I'll be serious for a girl and she'll be serious for me and it'll all work out.

So i keep looking. Back on the search again. Heads got to stay up and i've got to do the things that I know i have to.

In the mean time, the story gets a little old.

Better Do It Right

If I'm gonna use this, i should probably make an attempt to actually do it right. Listen, i hate updates, but i know that most people nowadays follow peoples lives through blogs or facebook or something equally as lame. Yes that makes me lame.

Quickly then. And only new stuff.

-Heading back to BYU come january. Majoring in Exercise Science. Plan to be done in little over a year. Heading into Dentistry.

-Purchased a 1995 Toyota T100. It's bad A. Thanks Lysh and Brandon for making me cool.

-Got a half tuition scholarship.

-Going to be living with my cousin Brad and Roman from my hometown, should be pretty rad.

-Got a job working at Old Navy. Pretty Gangster.

-Some might say i got the job because My Sister's Sister in law. But i have it on good authority that the hiring manager (pretty gal, age 22 from Bellingham, WA.) thought i was

cute. I tend to lean in that direction.

-That's really it for significance in my life.

Thoughts

This is the portion where i take things that have been on my mind and try to extrapolate.

Time v. Experience

Lesson #1:

So. I basically had a moment the other day where i realized that most of the world processes experience radically different than I do.

The Question:

In the below scenario, in a friendship, who is Joe Awesome closest to:

A) Family member, a few years a part, with similar interests in a good family upbringing

B) Friend since a tender age, played together all growing up, similar backgrounds and interests

C) Friend that was recently met, say within a few months, a very good first connection and deep conversation of an intellectual and emotional nature thereafter.

D)Significant other of about 6 months in a relatively happy relationship

I feel like most people would probably choose B. Most people aren't near as close to their family members as i grew up thinking they were, no matter how close in age, likes, or experience. That rules out A

D... interestingly enough i see most relationships of 6 months still exploring the fun, the newness, the more titillating aspects of the relationship. This isn't quite as applicable in LDS relationships, but it still applies in the first couple months of relationships. I don't feel like i see best friends in significant others within 6 months of courtship.

C is the real kicker for me. C is automatically ruled out in most peoples minds, at least of those i've talked to. Why? well, we don't have the time behind the relationship.

Time. That too often is the closeness scale on which people measure their friendships or relationships. Never mind that we've all been in romantic relationships where we feel closer to one partner, in the early stages, then we ever did to a different partner in a relationship of longer duration. Never mind that just because i've known you for 15 years doesn't mean that i know who are you are now, how you feel, how you act, or how you've changed. Forget the fact that we often spend time with people of no lasting consequence all the time. Not that the person is of no consequence, but the experience in which we relate to that person is near meaningless.

It bothers me really, when people try and tell me that i don't know them just because i haven't been acquainted with them for long. Not that they are necessarily wrong, but i look at some of their friendships and wonder how they think that they are so much more known because of the amount of time they have spent with a given individual. If i go and watch a movie with you every day for two months, does that mean i'm closer to the person you've had a few enlightening conversations for a few weeks? If so, i'd rather not be close with people.

Truthfully, i think many of us get caught up in the facts of people. What's my favorite color? Food? Favorite Sport?

I haven't had a favorite color for years. It changes on the circumstance and the mood. Food; depends. Sport, soccer. But what does that tell you about me? and just because you play soccer with me, while wearing that special shade of lavender, feeding me tortellini in a cream sauce, what do you really know about me? How are you a true benefit to me?

But even one step further; my history is no more significant to understanding me then a movie in a different language without subtitles. Expanding the metaphor; how much better can you understand a person if you happen to know the language it's playing in.

So i tell you some stories from my childhood. Maybe some are embarrassing, some emotionally charged, some life changing. But if you don't know how i handle embarrassment, what those emotions do to me, and how my life changed, than you know me no better than the next person. I may give you those subtitles, but it's so much more enriching to talk to someone who understands your movie's language.

15 years later, you haven't watched all my movie, never took the time to read the subtitles, and didn't even give a shot at the language... well, you don't know me well at all and if you don't know me... well again, it doesn't matter how well i know you, it doesn't make us close.

I've had a handful of conversations with some individuals where i come away entwined. A person then says, you don't know me. I frankly beg the differ. With accuracy, i can tell you how you will react in a situation and how it will affect you and what might be the implications on your emotional or spiritual well being. Sometimes we just get people.

My radically different experience filter? Time means very little to me in qualifying my relationships. And i prefer it that way. I prefer to pick up exactly where i left off with a friend i see once a year at best, knowing that we don't have to make small talk everyday about how our day went to remain close friends. And I thank Conor for that (maybe he doesn't feel the same, but this isn't his blog so it doesn't matter how he feels does it?).

So. Individual-that-i'm-using-as-a-type-for-a-principle-in-which-i'm-rather-passionate-about, we are closer then you think. I know i know, it sounds stupid, but i strongly believe that people miss out on very gratifying relationships because they are loyal (i could have used 'slaves' here) to friendships of chronology.

Annoyingly, it makes no difference that i feel people filter experience to their disadvantage. My experience settings doesn't give me access to change others. So i'm stuck, waiting to be close to someone because they haven't figured out yet that we will enhance one another's existence.

I don't care if you find this pointless or redundant. :-P That's me sticking my tongue out at you.

I think my next post might be one of those vulnerable pieces... ya know, the kind that shows you my tender side. Exciting I know.

Done. And i reread half of this and decided that i didn't care to edit the rest.

I think thoughts some time

And i'm back!

I've written three words and i'm already bored thinking about me. Well, that's not true, i love thinking about me, but taking the energy to write it... ugh.

here's some thoughts that have something to do with my life but that i probably won't explain properly.

You can't love someone into loving you. You can't love for both sides.
I totally believe in agency and i totally accept it, but it seems like there should be something i can do to affect someones agency in the direction i wish it to go. haha. hmmm... i haven't had much success in convincing people that having me control their decision making would be a good idea. Seems wrong that giving love doesn't produce it in others.

Doing things alone sucks.
and one step beyond that, doing something special with someone not special, sucks the worse. There's like a hundred things i can think of right now that i want to do but none of it sounds appealing at all right now because... what's the point. I mean, i love talking to myself, thinking my awesome thoughts, but really...

ISSUES
get over them. Everyone gets hurt. Get over it. Grow up. Or keep your hand in the shit pot and continue to eat shit... i don't get it. What are all these people holding onto. I mean, sure, who doesn't LOVE getting dragged behind a moving vehicle? Dont make no damn sense!

My Life Ain't So Hard
yeah. I complain a lot. but sometimes i'm really humbled by what others have to endure and i'm suddenly so grateful for my life.

I'm running out of attention... so, i'll end now. I'm still working, meeting ladies, and trying to figure out what i'm doing. Let me give a shout out to my cousin Brandon, he's the man. And i heart him... it's a bit of a bromance.

oh... those pictures don't have anything to do with anything... and yes that is my butt

LOVE ALWAYS

What the...?

I didn't even know i had one of these still.

I bet you are all super thrilled that i'm writing on this again.

And I bet you all are totally convinced that i have super awesome things going on in my life that i've been holding out on you with.

I cut concrete. Yep. I take a hand saw and i cut it. then grind it smooooth. So people don't trip.
Awesome.

That's what i do. And i get paid like 15 bucks an hour to do it.

I have a dream... a dream that i will cut concrete the rest of my life. That my life, subsequently, will go no where. Because this is so much more fulfilling than anything else i could be doing.


oh yeah though, this is pretty interesting in my life. I have a mission buddy who is a pretty darn talented musician. His brother is also the Killers manager. So he gets set up to record some songs in their new state of the art recording studio.

Long story short... I wrote some cheesy (super duper ultra ridiculously cheesy i'm sure my brother ryan will say. In fact, he'll listen to this and be like "Did you start crying while you wrote this? You name a little pet kitten after this?" and whatever disparagingly lame libel he can cook up (P.S. he's a boy and he cooks. who's lame now ryan? huh ryan?! yeah YOU ARE! HA)) lyrics. I wrote some cheesy lyrics... it was kinda hard with that tangential side note to actually catch what i was trying to say.

Anyway... another long story short. I wrote some lyrics. he put them to music. Killer's studio made it sound pretty darn awesome.

http://www.purevolume.com/danielreynolds and then click on 'dance with you'. And then listen. and then experience awesome.


the last like minute is just basically instrumental. There was more chorus and a bridge but no more.

There's probably more going on in my life but i'm too lazy to finish... so sorry.

PEACE

Over and Out

Oh Moses Lake...
I'm outty folks.

I'd like to think i've kind of become a big deal here in Moses... ya know... people know me around here.

Which just tells you i'm definitely a big loserface.

not that just because i'm known around here makes me a loser...
but yeah
it does...

so i randomly got a job in utah the other weekened when i was down there visiting.

Go Figure.

so i'm moving on down in a day.

just like that.

the world will never be the same without me here... admit it!

The ode to feeling good

Funky fresh.

I'm a pretty witty guy. Pretty eloquent in the way of the word. I'm with Jesse McCartney when he says "put your money money money where my mouth is... mouth is... mouth is...". I try to live up to my words and be legit. because... i don't wanna be anything other then what i've been trying to be lately... and i've spent way too long checkin my tongue in the mirror and bending over backwards just to try and see it clearer. So i guess my point is i'm if i'm unlegit, i must quit.

but i don't think i am.

i broke up with my girlfriend. I wasn't the first to cry but it's hard on me. harder then being broke up with. At least then i can have bitterness and resentment (i'm the king of slander... but just kidding).

i've paused my typing right now so i can put on some music... well after i type the words "i'm awesome" i'll stop typing.

I'm Awesome!

The Postal Service makes me feel good.

Doing hard things is against my personal philosophy. but sometimes i have to let that go and just do what's best... even if i've caused the problem in the first place

which i never do... ha... ya know... because i don't make stupid choi....

yeah, so i have my fair share. I'm more like an abstract art sort of decision maker. Nobody really knows what or why, but they are too kind to judge.

That doesn't mean I've reached A-Hole status. Back story anyone?

My brother basically told me that. and by basically i mean totally and vey pointedly a modicum of remorse. Head hanging, i took it like a jury to a very persuasve defense attorney. (Catching the paralell?) (was that side comment really necessary?)(I'm awesome?)(today is National Woman Road Warrior Day)

I'm okay with his assesment. and by that i mean, he's not far off base.

It goes back to the analogy i always use. Just because you say you're sorry after you slap someone doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. The sorry doesn't fix that. A bandaide doesn't heal a knife stabbing. Gay men pass AIDS on to each other. (the last one is more just to throw a jab at fags. But also, you reap what you sow... no matter if you think you are born that way).

The moral...

I didn't mean to hurt Ivory. It hurts that i did. I should have been more careful or cautious or any other number of sensible qualities. I hesitate to say lesson learned only because someone reading this will watch me until i make another mistake and promptly punch me in the face with it. But i'm working towards it.

But i'm gonna go back to trying to feel good and help others to do the same.

in that spirit, check this awesomeness out.

http://youmakemetouchyourhandsforstupidreasons.ytmnd.com/

Seriously.... i would willingly pee my pants while laughing just to show you how funny i think this is if you would all just watch it. Promise, it's the shiz!

I'll Be Lazy If I Want To...

With blogging... that's what i mean. I can't really afford to be lazy otherwise. I thought about going granola... go camp and live off the earth. But... I'm way to big a sissy to handle that. I'd wake up the first morning and be like... "where can i find some cereal...". So instead i've got to work.

Umm... big life changing events recently in my life.
Car Crash.
9 staples in my head.
Sweet scar on the scalp.
Permanent Brain Damage.
Not actually true about the Dain Bramage.
No Insurance. (If you're an idiot raise your hand... and Yes i'm raising mine)
Moved from New York.
Living in the Moses.
I'm a waiter. And Damn good at it too.
Dating a Gal.
Not going back to school in the Fall.
Going back in the Winter.
Am awesome.

So there you have it.
I'd give details but half of the subjects are depressing, the other half is up in the air. What do i know.

Anyway... that's all i got for now. I'm doing great otherwise. I'll think seriously about posting more later. Both i'll think more later and i'll post more later. So until later.

Bam!

Hell

Moments like these the gospel is the only thing that makes breathing easier. You find yourself crying in both pain of loss and joyous understanding. Grandpa is there, he found tami, their world is much better than ours.

Eat that Hell.

ummm... sigh...

does that sum it up for the rest of you?

I'm tired. I'm sad. I don't know what to do.
but imagine if i had to wonder what had happened to tami?
Little perspective for me

Makes you love your family. Makes you want to tell them all.

We'll miss her... and it hurts.

Now we just gotta make sure we do what's right

Virginia is for LOVERS

Um... slight change in plans? Instead of the 5 hour drive down to vegas when i go to install security systems for the summer... i will be taking a 31 hour drive to the eastern virginia. Good ole Fairfax... where ever the frick that is. This just happened like two days okay... sweet right? whatever, what do i care really? No biggie

21,000 people... intensity of moses lake on the east coast. i guess we are covering parts of washington DC. i own our nations captial. Both washingtons in my book now.

Intense people... instence

It's Been A While

I'm slogging down... i don't know if sloggin is a word and normally i would look it up to check but i just can't bring myself to care. I walked into my marriage prep class the other day... stood there for like 12 seconds... and then turned around and walked out. Just walked out because i didn't want to be there. Sigh... I get real bored.

So I have like all this stuff due... I'm really good at putting stuff off. Why do it now... when i could do it later? Doing it now may pay off in the long run... but procrastination pays off now! That's my motto.

So Tyson and I have been road warriors. We went to boise randomly the other week... just because we can and we wanted to get out of Provo. The next week we went to rexburg. I just don't like Utah it turns out. I remember always telling people that i hated Utah, even though i hadn't spent much time there.

Turns out i was right. I don't like it.

I get in the hot tub sometimes and i see some really cute girls. But I just wait... wait for it... yep there it is... weirdness. Without fail, everytime, they do something super unattractively weird. What do you do?

I go on dates. I try. It's just weird.

I leave for Vegas in two and a half weeks. I need to make some money. Debt sucks, as well as poverty.

If installing goes south, i'll sell my body. You all know i could do it.

I'm gonna go and try and find something to do. Something. Anything.

I'm so bored sometimes