And Christmas

Attitude and effort can change everything in your life. It changes how you feel, your actions, your ability to cope and contribute. The best part is that no matter what happens, between stresses and plans gone awry, everything feels right in the end.

I tried my hardest to do everything within my tiny power to make Christmas better for those I love. As happens so frequently when you try to serve, God serves you instead. I received this Christmas in everything that I tried to give. And then I was blessed so much more on top of that. It starts to feel that the word 'bless' becomes inadequate to describe the helpless, overwhelming, inordinate amount that we are given beyond the degree in which we clearly recognize we should justly receive.

So on Christ's celebrated birthday we give and receive presents between each other while He gives gifts to us as well. And when you step back to think about it, giving to Christ can only be accomplished by a few, select ways. One of those is serving or giving to others. It's par for the course with Christ. What a day.

Christmas

I don't know much about much. It settled on me a little bit ago that Christmas is upon us. I want to remember what this is all about. I'd like to take time to reflect. I want it to mean something to me always. Sometimes I just let it fade from my mind. Christ was born. Commercials crowd our thoughts and we intend to keep the spirit of Christmas by getting gifts for those we love but lose sight with the stress and the money.

Or maybe it's just so it seems to me. Maybe all my people remember the reasons. I sincerely hope so. But for me, poor college student and single uncertain adult, I'm trying to find ways to more essentially, more specifically, apply the season to me.

So. I want to try with my attitude. I'm gonna be less critical, less prideful. I'm gonna be more willing to help. I want to serve and make people smile. I want to emanate Christ. I want this season of Christmas to be me. This will be my season of Christ. And I think I can sustain that change. It won't end with Christmas. That'll be my Christmas gift this year.

Paths

Hope on Prezi

As for updates...

It takes so much energy to really do this whole life update thing. LSAT is this weeken;d. That's really the only significant news in my life. I'm ready for it. I think. On a different note:

"To remember this, to hold oneself apart from society, is to begin to think one's way beyond it. Solitude, Emerson said, "is to genius the stern friend." "He who should inspire and lead his race must be defended from traveling with the souls of other men, from living, breathing, reading, and writing in the daily, time-worn yoke of their opinions." One must protect oneself from the momentum of intellectual and moral consensus — especially, Emerson added, during youth. "God is alone," Thoreau said, "but the Devil, he is far from being alone; he sees a great deal of company; he is legion.".... But no real excellence, personal or social, artistic, philosophical, scientific or moral, can arise without solitude. "The saint and poet seek privacy," Emerson said, "to ends the most public and universal."

I have given some thought to recently is this article on solitude I read last week. Basically, we can't be alone, we are afraid of it, and we are a generation that wants to be known. Not intimate or connected mind you, just known. We become something less then who are or could be when we lack the ability to take time in solitude. We no longer understand our inner depths when we constantly are evaluating ourselves through only our interactions with other people. And those interactions aren't very meaningful to add to it.

Here's my point. I don't read blogs very often because I would like to look you in the eyes and hear first hand whatever is going on in your life. I'd like to personally empathize with you. I'd like to hear the things you want to say but don't feel comfortable writing down for all to see. If I'm reading it first, I feel like I must have failed you as a friend at some level.

I just want me (and I guess everyone I'm involved with) to connect rather then know. I initially cause a lot of chagrin when I tell people I don't care about much day to day details in their life. I don't care about work or what you ate or doing your laundry, unless it's significant to you. Unless you learned a life lesson or gained valuable experience (or it's really really pointlessly funny).
There is too much filler in all of our lives and we spend more time making small talk then facing the responsibility of communicating appreciable ideas or intimate emotion.

Do I understand the irony that I'm writing this in blog form instead of telling people individually? Yes I get it. I'm not changing any lives here I know. But what I hope is to be the person that can be still and know that God is God. And actually know God. And really know what He wants from me and for me. I want to be more like the person who has taken the time to dig deep into what I love and why I love it.

I just want some more meaning. Both to have and to give. I want to spend more time taking what I have and changing lives. So I'm writing for reinforcement. I'm writing this so that whoever reads it, will hold me too it. I think here's the best explanation of my overall point:

"Introspection means talking to yourself, and one of the best ways of talking to yourself is talking to another person you can trust, to whom you can unfold your soul. One other person you feel safe enough with to allow you to acknowledge things—to acknowledge things to yourself—that you otherwise can’t. Doubts you aren’t supposed to have, questions you aren’t supposed to ask. Feelings or opinions that would get you laughed at by the group or reprimanded by the authorities.

This is what we call thinking out loud, discovering what you believe in the course of articulating it. But it takes just as much time and just as much patience as solitude in the strict sense."

I just want to see the Love

A Day Like Few Others

I went to bed at close to 4 am sunday morning, right after i wrote my last blog. Church at 9am made me a little tired but i showed up on time and surprisingly already feeling like I was gonna bear my testimony (stake conference is next week). The first girl gets up and it's one of my good friends in the ward. She told the ward about her mom getting breast cancer and working through that. I knew a lot of the details as I had given her a blessing a week prior and so was pretty touched. I waited a while, listened to my cousin Michael give his testimony, and then got up.

I started with:

"I don't really know what i'm doing with this whole calling business." And it all just kind of turned to tears from there. I whispered half my testimony of faith, being qualified despite our inadequacies, and humility. It wasn't dignified and maybe a little bit embarrassing. I made it through the rest of church rather subdued, ate, went to choir, started homework, went to talk to the bishop about church callings and other business, got a text asking if I'd come home teach an apartment of girls who hadn't seen their home teachers in a while. I really like this group of girls so i was glad too. Half way through our chat, one of the sweetest and strongest girls in our ward asked this question:

"What if the first vision was a delusion or psychotic break by Joseph? What if he just thought it was real?"

..........

That represents the stunned silence immediately following that question.

So I went to work addressing every part of that issue I could think of, faith to facts, religion to science, rhetoric and logic, but mostly my simple knowledge that it was true. I felt pretty helpless. This is a girl who grew up in the church, served a mission, and was currently working in the MTC. I all but knew that there had to be something else causing the sudden confusion in her life. We eventually got around to the real issue and it was a whole lot of really sad family trouble. But it was an hour and half of just plain hardness. I think she'll be okay though.

So i went home, realizing I had to start thinking about completely redoing home teaching. I got a a call a few minutes later; sick friend in the ward needs a blessing. So I head over to a guys apartment, extend a few callings and bring one with me to give a blessing. I head to ward prayer a little bit after and extend a few more callings.

At 9:15, I hit a wall. Few times in my life have i felt so completely overwhelmed and helpless; what a combination. So I went to bed, not knowing what else to do.

Here's the real reason I wrote this. Rarely do I need people in my life in the sense that I just need to talk to someone or need to have someone be there with me or for me. But that night it would have helped. I didn't really know how to go about.... um needing someone? or asking for help or stuff orrrr whatever. Luckily someone asked and kept asking and gave me enough chances to say yes.

This was a big deal for me and it made a big difference. And i'm real grateful for my whole day experience but mostly that someone helped when i needed it... because I just don't know how to do that sort of thing on my own.

I know this was gay. Leave me a lone

It's Not What It Seems

I'm pretty arrogant I'm told. Often, even. And I agree for the most part. There's some things I try never to brag about and that's really anything that's meaningful.

I'm Elder's Quorum president. Around here people find this out and they are overly impressed with my spirituality. I try not to tell people for the same reasons I try not to tell people when I read my scriptures or attend the temple; If you can't tell by being around me what kind of spirit I have, then I don't want you to think I'm spiritual. Chances are if you can't tell, then all I'm telling you about my spirituality isn't true.

I'd rather people think ill of me than use my gospel activity as a performance to gain favor. Wouldn't that be missing the point?

So why am I writing this blog about my calling? Because I'm humbled and overwhelmed and under qualified and a bit frightened. I don't acknowledge those things very often, so to the people I love most, I wanted you to know that I'm just trying my best to be like Jesus.

I got a call from my brother in law Jared today. He was just thinking about me and wanted me to know. Didn't know I needed that call. I'm grateful he listened to whatever prompting he received. And to remember God cares. Easy to be dumb and forget that sometimes.

There's a reason I don't keep my pimp hand strong

When I was in high school, I used to have the saying that I was a player with out the play... so pretty much just an Er. See the reason for this was that I couldn't settle down with any girls but I never really did anything... like most of the girls I never even kissed. Because ya see, the first couple times I did kiss a girl and wasn't sure i wanted to date her, it got real messy. She was all emoting all over the place and i was like uhhh my bad and she was like how could you do this to me and i was like didn't we discuss this before?

the one productive thought from all that was that girls can't be trusted. Just kidding. It was that girls follow logic and are very reasonable up until the moment you give them something that will emotionally bulldoze said logic and reason.

So i thinks to myself... maybe if i just don't kiss these girls (and other physical forms of affection) then i can really get to know if i like these girls. I should be able to flirt, be there for them, and share awesome things without any trouble.

That didn't work much better.

My whole game plan through high school was to be upfront and honest, that way i couldn't be blamed for anything. If a girl thought she could change me, I let her think that and if she ended up hurting her own feelings, I couldn't be blamed could I?

Anyway, I'm already tiring of the topic. The point is we people have hurt feelings, it doesn't really matter if it's my fault or not because i'm involved. This was the lesson i learned in high school and why i've never been a player.

Still, from time to time in my adult life, I kiss some girls (because when it rains it pours, what am i supposed to do about it?) and inevitably, no matter what i do, I end up the bad guy in every situation. Listen, i'm not condoning my kisses. Half the time there's no point and never is there any really satisfaction.

But for instance, i stopped one girl before we kissed and I said "are you sure you want to do this?" she pulled her face away and about a minute later put her face right back where we were a lips distance away. Come on, you can only expect so much from me.

Another girl came over at 1:30 in the morning to watch a movie with me. I didn't think it was a good idea to kiss her but she certainly put herself in the position to make it hard for me to refuse.

Both of these girls seem to think I tricked them somehow, believe that they "let their guard down" or felt used. Excuse me? Truthfully, if anyone was used, it was me. In these two examples, I had clearly told both of these girls long before that I wasn't interested in a relationship with either. One had even kissed my cousin (not that I care) and the other had kissed one of my friends (again, not that I care), both fairly recently. One was even trying to get over a boy (what girl isn't?), so who was the used one? Just because it doesn't hurt my feelings, doesn't mean it isn't the reality.

Anyway. My plan for the last few years has been to not just kiss girls. Sometimes i'm really good at it. Other times, I suck at life. This was one of those times. I think through the logic of it all, how honest and careful I was, how i tried to make sure that nothing happened that was gonna hurt a girls feelings... but a wise man knows that their are many a diverse and sundry ways to displease a woman.

Their's no vindication in a situation like this. And so i'm just left feeling sorry. Sorry that people get their feelings hurt (and sorry that i get blamed, lets be honest). And so... these lips are going back to celibacy. Time to wait for a special gal. Happy mom? you were right allllll along. whoopidy do!

No but seriously. It's not worth it. Especially because i'm always preaching the message to girls to make guys treat them better.

I'm the new straight gay friend every girl wants.

that was gonna be my ending, but i just had thought about only being relevant when someone is in trouble. I get tired of that! I can always tell when someone is fighting with their girlfriend or boyfriend or best friend, because suddenly someone who i haven't talked to in forever appears in my life again, only to be gone again right when things settle down. I'd think of some sad analogies and metaphors but i think you all get the point. Oh well.